Uncomfortably Challenged

Ryan in the Grasslands

In about one year, my friend Ryan (pictured left) will be in Alaska participating in the Iditarod Trail Invitational. He will be traversing 350 miles on the sometimes marked, sometimes visible, and always challenging trail on his fat bike. He won entry into this event in a drawing of the divisional winners and runner ups in the Tuscobia Winter Ultra. He has been searching out maps, watching online for hints and helps from this year's event, contemplating gear needs, riding locally in the brutal winds and frigid temperatures, and connecting with past ITI participants to prepare himself for this ultra adventure. This may be the first time Ryan has gone into an event with so many unknowns. He is an experienced winter, ultra distance athlete. Yet this is a longer distance in a new location with unique weather patterns and copious amounts of barren wilderness. 

In two weeks, I will be directing my final March ultra event for Extreme North Dakota Racing. It appears that two younger ultra athletes will take leadership of the event in the future. Fresh eyes and fresh ideas are always welcomed! One of my many quirks (for this event in particular) is to mark the course well. I want it to follow the established North Country Trail. Following the Trail is relatively easy when there is little or no snow. In recent years that has not been the case. The trail becomes lost underneath months of snow. This

Blaze on Oak Leaf Loop

produces great anxiety within me. I obsess about making certain it is within a couple feet of the Trail. Maps, painted blazes on trees, and GPS tracking makes it feel easier. Yet I still get frustrated when I cannot accurately and with certainty be within my established margin of error. 

Which path to take?

Lately my greatest challenge has been accepting uncertainty. This is not about aging, retirement, vocation, finances, or health. It specifically relates to my wife. She has a progressive, degenerative disorder that affects every aspect of her being. I want to do the correct things, say honest and encouraging words, and provide freedom while at the same time maintaining a safe environment. It seems easy in theory, but extremely difficult in reality. Which is the correct path? What happens if I veer off course? How many people will be affected by my choices? i know the basics. I have faced challenge previously. For many reasons this challenge feels different. 

Current Read

Recently I began reading "The Comfort Crisis" by Micheal Easter. There were many reasons why this book attracted my attention. One was its recommendation by another blog I read. I was struck by the discussion of a Japanese practice called, "misogi." It has diverse spin-offs from its original concept. What captured my thoughts was the broad concept of challenges which crush an individual's perception of comfort. As a person takes risks and confronts fears, stress and discomfort rises. As that person accepts and moves into the midst of stress and discomfort, personal resilience and improved self-concept are part of the results This happens even if the challenge is not completed. New vision and expanded views of oneself and the world replace previous structures. 

I am in the process. I am not certain of the outcome. Attempting to keep my anxiety in check and moving along the unfamiliar and uncomfortable path is where I am at today. The journey continues!

Data Driven - Data Drowsy

 

Early indications point not only to a cancelled spring training season, but possibly no regular season for Major League Baseball.  A "lockout" with no easy solutions is given as the reason. Instead of live baseball, a favorite movie about baseball, "A League of Their Own" will be added to my watch list. A Women's League which was formed during World War II is the basis of this movie. Of the memorable characters, Coach Jimmy Dugan (played by Tom Hanks) says to Dottie (played by Geena Davis), "It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great."

We live in a society driven by data. Every time we browse the internet, fill out a survey, scan a loyalty card, order online, or use a streaming service data is collected about our habits. We are enticed to turn over our information for the sake of financial incentives or the promise that our lives will be easier and more seamless in the future. Precious time will be freed up because our decisions are already made. All we have to do is touch the button on the screen. It is that easy!

Tracking Device

According to Dictionary.com one of the definitions for the word "adventure" can be, "a bold, usually risky undertaking; hazardous action of uncertain outcome." On numerous occasions I have described my life as an adventure. I believe life is lived when the outcome of an opportunity is uncertain. Yes, the final outcome is certain, but there are ample opportunities for adventure prior to that point. However, as more devices, more data, and more buttons orbit the hours of my days the reality of adventure is dwindling. Long gone are the hours of outdoor activity without a communication tool. I used to mute the notifications on my phone. Recent circumstances have changed that option. "You never know what may happen," echos through my mind. This has been etched on my psyche from many sources. I realize those individuals, as well as organizations are concerned for my well being. Yet with all of the data, all the connectivity, and the ease of assistance and escape I feel the reality of adventure has lost its meaning. Coach Dugan was accurate in saying, "If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it." It now seems like everyone wants the experience of adventure without the inherent risk which defines it. Everyone wants easy!

Tracker with messaging

Has the ease of life and/or lack of adventure made us drowsy? We rely upon data and algorithms to solve our problems, direct us to our destinations, make our decisions, and free our time. However, we are freed to do what? Are we seeking adventure but unwilling to assume the risk? Is success so important that we are fearful of learning from failure? If so, is that being free?  Data collected over years of life directs me to believe life is best encountered in what we cannot control. Individual characteristics are developed, as well as personalities chiseled as we confront aspects of life with our full attention. We all have unique and important aspects of our lives which cannot be honed by pressing the "Easy Button."

"The hard is what makes it great." These words of Coach Dugan came after he stopped numbing his life with alcohol and encountered the multiple dynamics of the team. For him it was a season of adventure, a leap into the unknown which was not driven by data. There may not be Major League Baseball this summer. The national pastime may not capture some of our time. Instead each of us can create individual adventures which will develop and enhance our souls and spirits. Such actions will make it a great season for our lives! 

 

Functionally Dysfunctional

Last Sunday (January 30th) was the beginning of my fifth year supporting Ryan in the Arrowhead 135 Winter Ultra. As I parked at the Hillsboro United Parish, I noticed a chemical smell. With no factories near

Ryan @ Jan 31 start

downtown Hillsboro, ND, I was puzzled by the smell. As I unlocked the church doors the air was crisp and fresh. Following worship, I listened to the navigation prompts directing me on county and state highways to Bemidji, MN. As my speed lessened through the small towns and especially in Bemidji, the smell was noticeable again. Could it be oil? Was it a belt? Parking to investigate, the smoke rising from the engine compartment confirmed that something was amiss. The belts were not hot, not loose, not glazed. It must be oil. The oil level was checked. A quart was purchased and a small amount added to the engine. The final push to International Falls, MN to meet Ryan was uneventful. 

My family of origin

In my opinion the word "dysfunctional" is both over used and misused. According to Dictionary.com it means, "not performing normally; having a malfunctioning element; and behaving outside social norms". Too often it gets used to negatively describe a person or group of people. "That certainly is a dysfunctional family!" gets bantered about frequently. It appears to be a veiled and judgmental way of saying, "That family sure behaves strangely." The comparison of normal comes from the person making the statement. Is there a standard norm of behavior for families?

Engine ran but it did not move!

Another example could be the legislative branch of the Federal Government. Numerous pundits and commentators describe Congress as dysfunctional. What is the function of government? In our current partisan culture what type of performance are we expecting? Is what we see normal functioning given the current mood in our country? Do we judge today by the norms of the past? Congress is functioning, just not moving.

My family of origin was loosely connected to extended family. We did not place emphasis on specific holidays. Heirlooms, as well as traditions were not a facet of our family. My wife's family was the opposite. Gathering on holidays was more sacred than the holiday itself! Values, expectations, traditions, and furnishings were to be followed and passed through generations. This aspect of family was initially attractive to me. Over time I saw it as both humorous and constricting. I learned to embrace it because I choose to enter into the relationship. Numerous times over our years of marriage my wife clearly stated that our family acted dysfunctionally. As we grow in years realizing that our future is shorter than our past, my wife wants to pass on stuff. Most of the stuff is material in nature. It is too late for passing on values and traditions. Our daughters have no need of material stuff. It does not hold the value which my wife places on it. Is this being dysfunctional? Our daughters are choosing how they want to function. Do we make judgments about today based upon the norms of the past? Do we all have to operate the same way in order to be a functioning family?

The evidence on the ground

Following Ryan's fifth place overall finish, second place in the unsupported bike category (total time of 17 hours and 33 minutes), and a few hours of sleep we headed back to International Falls. Checking the dipstick before starting the car the oil level was fine. It did not take too many miles before the smell returned even on a windy, ground blizzard drive of 4+ hours. The oil light did not come on. Everything sounded fine. It was just the annoying smell of burning oil. Ryan's nose provided the second opinion. I let the car sit outside while Ryan and I got gear placed in the proper places. The pattern on the driveway made me think. With a few searches online and a couple of videos watched, it appears the oil is leaking from the oil filter which is surrounded by the exhaust. With the severe cold temperatures my favorite, dependable, and honest repair shop (Johnson's Auto Repair) could not get the vehicle in until this coming week. Thankfully the other vehicle is working fine!

I believe we function, we survive in all types of circumstances. Could we be more caring, more efficient, more understanding, more responsive? Certainly! Yet, it is in the willingness not to judge people by the past, to consider the current circumstances, to own our quirks, and get repairs as needed that we discover meaning in the adventures of life!

Birthday Presents

12.31.21
Almost start time

 I began my 67th birthday leaving Rice Lake, WI pulling a gear packed sled on a snowmobile trail. Seven hours later in Birchwood, WI, I decided to end my 160 mile adventure in the Tuscobia Winter Ultra. Little did I realize that awesome gifts awaited me. This winter ultra, its race directors, and I have a long relationship. I have volunteered, attempted 75 miles on bike (earlier version), completed 80 miles on foot, and attempted the 160 mile distance on foot. My completion rate is abysmal. My fulfillment rate is astronomical.

After the Covid-19 cancellation in 2020, I wanted the 2021 version to enhance my completion statistics, as well as my confidence. I began event specific training in August. This was not haphazard training. I was under the guidance of Kate Coward of Full Potential Performance Coaching. From her website, "You want to harness your full potential and like me, be your personal best...I believe most people will never know their full potential...I help athletes train their mind and muscle to reach new levels of performance." I knew Kate from previous winter ultras. She has been and continues to be successful in ultra endurance events in all seasons and disciplines, as well as in her vocational endeavors. Her personalized training plan and video conference support were excellent!

Kate + Ryan at start

You may wonder with the aforementioned training and experience, what happened? Without great detail or boring rationalizations, here is my perspective:

• I was fearful of what was ahead. My pace was slower than expected. My perspiration was greater than I anticipated. The realization of frigid darkness (below 0 degrees F), sleep deprivation, trail conditions, and resting in a -20 degree F sleep system had me reevaluating my desire.
• I had 20-25 miles to go before I would again find a place to get out of the elements (a bar along the trail). I would be placing myself and possibly others in jeopardy if I could not continue. Part of the event is making personally responsible choices.  
• The time on trail allowed for contemplation not just physically, but on a deeply personal level. What was my motivation? Would completion provide the boost I believed I needed? Was I seeking to become something/someone or realizing more completely who I am and embracing that reality? How would I justify and cope with the embarrassment of stopping so soon? 

In making the phone calls to tell the race directors of my decision, as well as my friend, Ryan to come and pick me up I realized the event could continue to provide an experience. I offered myself and my vehicle to assist others who dropped from the event. Christ and Helen (race directors) eagerly accepted my offer. 

2022 began by cheering Ryan at the start of his 160 mile bike ride. (He won the event as the first person and first male in the bike division) Then I had the honor of escorting three unique individuals from their particular end points back to Rice Lake. Listening to the stories of their lives, this event, and their perspectives over the many miles back to Rice Lake was a tremendous and unexpected gift. In loading a bike into the van's cargo area and a rider (whose glasses unexpectedly broke) into the warmth of the passenger seat, Chris (race director patrolling the course on snowmobile) said to the biker, "This is Tim. You will never meet a nicer guy." I did not give his statement much attention as my focus was on the participant and her particular needs.

Not only did Ryan win the 160 mile bike category, but Kate came in as the first female on bike and second overall. (Kate is coaching Ryan, as well.) Ryan, in the drawing of the 3 category winners (160 on foot, bike, and ski) won an entry into the Iditarod Trail Invitational in Alaska. Following the notification of his prize, Christ sent this text to Ryan, "Congrats Ryan. We are especially stoked that you won the 160 and the ITI entry. You (and Tim B) really epitomize the kind of people and culture we hope to cultivate at Tuscobia. You are always respectful of others and the event, willing to help if needed and just seem to always be enjoying the experience!"

On the trail to Birchwood

I may not have reached my full potential as an athlete. Or maybe I reached it years ago and I am seeking to recapture something elusive? This is not a reflection on Kate's coaching capabilities. I believe my full potential is not in the realm of athletics. My skills and passions are in relational connections. I have success as a caring and compassionate person, providing who I am to others. In hearing that the race directors trust my skills and abilities to serve their event reinforces this snapshot of myself. My personal connection rate is much greater than my athletic completion rate. Priceless birthday presents were gifted to me as supremely as a winner's trophy. 

in the words of noted explorer Edmund Hillary, "I have found that long expeditions are rarely as much fun as short ones."

Choose Purpose Over Perfect

 

The streak is 53 weeks! I have used some aspect of the Peloton fitness system weekly for over a year. The bike was a gift covering multitudes of holiday and birthday remembrances from last year to eternity. Along with cycling, Peloton offers yoga, strength training, running, meditation, power walking, etc.  The variety of opportunities have not only expanded my workouts, but have had a positive influence on my physical, mental, and spiritual well-being. A recent meditation mantra provided by instructor Kristin McGee was, "Choose purpose over perfection." This stuck in my mind like velcro to wool.

As of late the media has been flooded with broadcasts, stories, and images providing tips and tricks on how to have the "perfect" holiday whether that be decorations, foods, gifts, or gatherings. These reports are juxtaposed with media news on how damaging social media images are to a person's self-esteem. Images that have been modified to show perfection not only in body shape and size, but cooking, clothing, skin condition, etc. are prolific. How does a person even consider purpose (the what and why) when perfection is the marketing tool of choice?  Mix this into the context of high fuel prices, climate change, inflation at a 39 year high, another Covid-19 variant, out of stock items and chaos swirls like a kite in a cyclone.  No wonder perfection sells. It is nonexistent yet marketed as possible.

My favorite grocery store is indicated by the image. It is small. It has good fruits and vegetables.The selection of what I need is adequate. I can get in and out quickly. And my overall diet has not suffered due to lack of selection. Yes, food is enjoyable as a creative art. Yet, its purpose is to provide nutrients and energy to keep me functioning. Thus I do not need multiple varieties of Mt Dew, a 100 foot aisle of snack foods, or more pasta sauce than I care to consider to make me feel complete and satisfied.

Ponder for a moment the Hebrew creation story. Humankind was in Paradise. In other words, everything was perfect. No body image issues. No food issues. No ego concerns. No mention of decorations for their home. All this external perfection, yet they desired something more. Were they looking for purpose and meaning as they chomped into the fruit? It seems following this action humankind has been in search of perfection oftentimes neglecting their purpose.

As it is the season for the Christian birth narrative I cannot find mention of perfection. The cast of characters from Zechariah+Elizabeth to shepherds and Magi all have a purpose, but are devoid of perfection. The purpose is to show us that God desires to remain involved in our human theater, even when lines are forgotten, cues are neglected, and we go totally off script. To me the image of "perfection" during Christmas is a romanticized addition to sell an image and feeling, not to embrace reality. Such imagery is like having a Peloton and using it for photo opportunities to post on social media. 

We have numerous choices every day. I will continue to allow that mantra to stick like velcro in my mind, "Choose purpose over perfect."

Cornucopia of Characters

The majority of the week was filled with road miles and visiting for Thanksgiving. Once again I am using an article written for the November 26th edition of the Hillsboro Banner, a weekly newspaper from Hillsboro, ND. The paper has won multiple awards for writing, photography, page layout, etc. over many years. The photographs were not a part of the article.

Maternal Grandparents

The television volume was loud enough to easily hear it throughout the house. The stuffing had plump, juicy raisins in it, as well as ground up giblets. Plus, the stuffing was moistened by the liquids seeping from the bird. At the conclusion was something called “Mincemeat Pie.” No, thank you!

Sometimes my uncle attended. If so, it was short lived as he had little tolerance for his father. There was not enough room to sit around one table. This too, was probably for the best. It was a disjointed gathering. Yet I looked forward to the annual Thanksgiving gathering at the home of my maternal grandparents. It became even better when they plumbed in a toilet!

The characters always made the memories. My uncle was in the burgeoning electronics/computer field. I believe he worked for Sperry/Univac. The skills learned over his years in the Navy transferred into real life. His descriptions of what was on the horizon was fascinating almost to the point of fiction. My grandfather was eager to express his bawdy renditions of battlefields and brothels in France during the end of World War One. But it was my grandmother’s gentle, sincere interest in the lives of her grandchildren that I cherished most. She was eager to hug, hold, and hum a song. She had a way of remaining calm in the swirling, human chaos raging in her house.

The Thanksgiving holiday continues to evolve. What was once a mere marketing 

has for some retailers returned to a day of locked doors. Pandemic concerns

continue to impact the overlay of human gatherings during the week. Cooking at home, delivery meals, or going to a restaurant all remain options. A year ago my wife and I were in quarantine due to her struggle with Covid-19. A family delivered “traditional” foods and placed them in our unlocked vehicle. Yup, social distancing at its best. Their text message alerted me of the dropoff. Jellied cranberry sauce in a can? No, thank you! 

As I ponder all of this, I am grateful for life. I am grateful for the presence of God’s grace and love in the disjointed realities of human relationships. I am grateful for the embrace of the Creator who takes sincere interest in each of our lives. God’s calming presence in the swirling complexities of daily life? Yes, thank you!

The trappings and traditions of Thanksgiving have changed over the years. Yet as you can see in one of the pictures cranberries are still part of the meal. Just not those nasty ones from a can! I am grateful, not just thankful for the opportunities, but more importantly for the characters who have been a part of my life for over 6 decades!

                                                              

Some of the sides

Lincoln Park Zoo
"Zoolights"

Chicago + Lake Michigan

It Always Seems to Happen

Ryan and myself

The cell phone alarm worked as it had been set. By 3:15AM, Ryan and I (Gravel Grunts Cycling Squad) were ingesting calories and making final preparations for the short drive to Webster, Wisconsin. The Fenton Lake 100 (actually 109 miles) was to begin at 5AM. Parked near the start line, I grabbed a complimentary cup of coffee from Fresh Start Coffee Roasters. The robust flavor profile of the coffee, as well as its warmth lifted my spirits on the foggy, 33 degree morning. The realization that I had left my hydration pack at the Pine Wood Motel broke through the caffeine contentment.  Coffee in hand, I rapidly drove through the fog to retrieve the pack. Returning to the start, the event officially began while I was finalizing lighting, tracking device, bike, and my pack. Chris (finally got to meet this fellow Minnesotan) with whom I was to ride waited patiently. He was not certain of his navigation device, so he needed me for proper direction. About 5:10AM, we rode into the foggy darkness with lights ablaze!

This was not the first time the disruption of plans delayed my start. These last minute snafus have been more frequent than I want to admit. It always seems to happen. When it does, it impacts more than my start time. It sets my attitude and perspective for what lies ahead. As much as I attempt to embrace what is, placing little delays into perspective, I have difficulty silencing the negative self-talk. For as often as it occurs I should not let it affect me. I am not competing for a top finishing position. I do not relish being in a pack of participants as events begin. Yet, it impacts my confidence and sense of preparation for the miles and hours which lie ahead.

It is not only events with specific start times in which this occurs. The unexpected opportunities which are present in daily life trip up my perspectives. Lately, numerous unknowns have become common place. What and whom I have previously understood have transitioned into the unfamiliar. I sense my preparations from the past are not sufficient for the present. Frustrations, destructive self-talk, and a noxious attitude all leap forward. As the day progresses I find myself serpentining through these realities. Eventually I discover a path and a rhythm which frees my outlook. Ending the day, I have endured, discovered, and gained insight. It always seems to happen.

Chris is a few hills ahead.

Chris was a great companion for numerous hours. His GPS device worked sporadically. My navigational skills were fine other than getting off course for about .5 mile. We pedaled through Wisconsin's wooded trails, deep sand, township roads, a bit of pavement, and way too many ATV trails. The loose sand and deep ruts on the ATV trails provided challenges which I did not anticipate. Eventually Chris found familiar territory from a prior event and forged ahead. I fatigued physically and mentally as I neglected to maintain the basics of nutrition and hydration. After realizing and tending to these basic needs while giving my body time to incorporate the intake, I was able to move forward with greater energy and determination. My attitude and gratitude improved, as well. The dozen miles to the finish were flat. Darkness again became reality. I was growing colder (temperature upper 30s) and  more determined to get to Webster. Suddenly my headlight shut off. Usually it provides a 5 minute warning. Stopping was immediately necessary. Using the flashlight function on my cell phone I swapped headlights with cold fingers. Yup, I packed a fully charged spare! This light had a narrow beam which limited my peripheral vision. The white beam of focused light became mesmerizing. Finally the ambient light of Webster, as well as two people waving glow sticks snapped my hypnosis. Crossing the finish after 14+ hours of pedaling and pushing was a great relief. I was deeply chilled. Sentences were not crisp nor concise. Ending the day I endured, discovered, and gained insight. It always seems to happen!  

Ryan's photo skills!